And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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