Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
