Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
