1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
