i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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