Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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