Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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