Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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