Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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