I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
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Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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