Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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