i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
