You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
