I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
