Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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