her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
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I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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