After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
