Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
