just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Randomize
