got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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