we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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