Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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