his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
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Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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