"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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