We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
