Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
