So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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