When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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