When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
