Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
