Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
