I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
