you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
