so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
