You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
