I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
