Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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