someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
