Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
