You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
