I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
