I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
