Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i already hear my dad disowning me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
