Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
