I swear god or herbie drove my car home
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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