yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If I die, sorry about rent.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
