I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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