I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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