i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
