The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
