first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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