note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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