I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
