I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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