My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You're like the curious george of whores
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
