your thong is hanging out like whoa
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
