I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
