True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
