I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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